Difference between poly and open

This is a thought that came to me the other day.  What is the real difference between a Poly, and an Open relationship.  Obviously, different people are going to think differently about each, but here is my take on the two.

Polyamourus –

Multi-Love.  That’s what it means.  In other words, you have to be in a relationship with more then one person.  Not fucking.  Not playing.  But in a true, down to earth, relationship.  You have to have emotional give and take between yourself, and AT LEAST, two other people.  Not only that, but if your screwing another person who is not part of the relationship, then you have just brought in an Open Poly.  Confused yet?

A true poly is were everyone involved not only knows about each other, but EVERYONE is getting emotional attachment.  That doesn’t mean that everyone is fucking.  Three guys, three girls, and they switch partners, but there is also a love dynamic.  It could be that one of them is loved as leader, all the guys could view each other as brothers, or what have you.  There are so many things that it could come from.  But, the emotions have to be there.

And, yes, that does mean you can have poly with three people.  But, as everything else, you have to make sure everyone is getting the emotional cuddling that is needed.

Open –

An Open relationship is a bit different.  In this type, not everyone is involved with everyone.  Some are very open (IE:  You can fuck whoever, just remember who you love), others are strict (mine is, both of us have to agree on the other person.  Safer that way).  As above, you can have an open poly, but that brings in a world of confusion.  And, possibly, unsafe practices.

As in a conversation with an ex of mine.  Her open relationship has rules.  No hardcore play.  Sex, ok, light play, ok, but if she feels herself heading toward subspace, she stops it.  Nothing wrong with that.  Having rules set up before hand in the relationship when there’s any type of openness is a great idea.  It means that all parties know what’s happening, where the lines are, and all of that fun stuff.

BDSM Porn Illegal in the UK

So, searching around cyberspace, and I come on this story. It seems, that by Jan. of next year, that “Violent Porn” will be illegal in the UK. Now, I don’t live there, so why the hell should I bitch about it?

Simple. Now that it’s illegal there, more groups will try the same here. I’ve read articles of people being arrested in the UK for “aiding in their own assault” when dealing with Kink, and it’s against the books in some way in most of the US. But, my issue is really one line in the story, from the woman who has been fighting for this law.

Quoting Liz, mother of Jane, who was killed by a man who had violent porn.

” Sometimes the freedoms of like-minded, decent people have to be curtailed because of a few others.”

Why? Why should I have to have my right curtailed because someone couldn’t see the difference between fantasy and reality? Does this mean that all TV, Movies, and Music has to stop because someone can’t (oh, they are allready trying to do that, see Marylon Manson and ICP). Or, is it because some people think that, just because I’m into BDSM, or violent porn, that I’m going to go nuts, and kill someone?

Personally, I don’t watch kinky porn. I just don’t really get off on WATCHING someone, unless it’s straight sex. Most people that watch it know that not everything in it can be done by the average Joe. Soon, just having images of situations were someone MIGHT be killed or have serious harm inflicted apon them will be illegal. Which mean, by the way, most television and movies (I haven’t read the law itself, so I’m not one hundred percent sure.) This also means that sites such as Bondage.com and Collarme.com will become off limits for those in the UK, due to the fact that they are now illegal.

So, why the fuck should BDSM porn be illegal ANYWHERE? If it’s between two adults, and no one is killed, who the fuck has the right to tell me I can’t watch it? And, my main question is, who the fuck is going to enforce this law? “Sir, we need to check you PC to make sure there is no violent porn on it” is going to be the new way to get in your house.

Then, wearing a collar is illegal (can already get you kicked off the bus in the UK), then walking your fucking dog will be illegal.

Why do people allow these laws to pass?

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Play and Slave Contracts

Play and slave contracts. What are those? Very simply, they are written contracts that the two (or more) who are playing, or in a long term relationship, come up with. The reason for this is simple. People want to know that what they want done is being done. Also, slave contracts are starting to become legal. Therefore, it’s now a saftey net for the Dom, as they can say “see, this is what was agreed to”.

Some people don’t go into contracts (me and my girl do not have one), however, it’s always a good idea for some sort of written “this is ok” for the play. This is most important when you are with someone new, as you don’t know their wants and needs.

A proper contract will have whats ok, where the limits are, and what is off limits. Just because you enjoy something, doesn’t mean that your playmate does. Also in the contract should be time limits (for slave contracts this is most important), any medical problems, allergies, safe words, and who to contact in case of emergency. And, yes, sometimes emergencies can happen, from something major (oh my god, she’s not breathing), to something small, (Hey, Bob, can you pick up Sue? She can’t drive at the moment.)

Now, that doesn’t mean that the contract will be followed, or has to be. What do I mean there? Sometimes, pushing limits can be thrilling. If that is the case, make sure that there is something in the contract to deal with that. If a limit is passed, what happens then? Does the sub leave? Does the sub just let it happen?

Another very, very important part of the contract should be food/medications. Why? If I don’t know that clams can kill you, I might make you eat them because you said you don’t like them. Same with meds. If the sub has to take meds at certain times (before eating is the normal), then it’s the responsibility of the Dom to remember. Because, well, the sub may be in places that she can’t remember anything at that point. That’s kinda the point, really…..

Many times there will be safe words in play and slave contracts, for both long term and short term. Same as the contract itself, safe words are the most important for new partners. With long term partners, most Doms will get to the point that they can pick up little clues to the mental and physical state of their partner. Now, I don’t mean long term Doms, I mean long term partners. Even if it’s once a week, after a few months/years a good Dom will be able to tell when something is wrong. That’s also why most play takes time to reach the climax. Not always, but most.

If there will be any time that the sub is gagged, or in any other way not able to speak, there should also be something in the contract for such. Many will use a bell or something else that will give the Dom a audio and visual clue as to the state of the sub.

These are just some things that I have found SHOULD be in contracts. Below, I will place links to some contracts that are placed online for people to use.

Albany Power Exchange Slave Contract
The BDSM Circle (this has sub/slave contracts for both male and female doms)
This site is “under construction”, so may not be up long. Both slave and sub contracts

And, as always, play safe.

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BDSM Play: Flogging

Been a few days on my BDSM play posts. And, honestly, I’m slowly running out of things to write about when it deals with Play Time. Why? Well, because I’m only going to write about things I know about, and that I do on a semi-regular basis. That’s what brings me to flogging.

Why would that bring me here? Well, it’s simple. I’m a sadist. And sadists like to hurt people. Now, there are many other ways to hurt people besides flogging. But, there’s just something about having a flogger in hand that makes it more worth it then anything else. Perhaps it’s the way it feels, or the sound it makes.

Now, the problem with floggers is that it can be very, very dangerous. Most of the toys that someone new to the lifestyle will pick up are simple things from the porn store. That’s a good thing and a bad thing. The good part is that they are NORMALLY softer then the ones that a leather shop can make for you. The bad part is sometimes they are much harder then you want, and can easily cut the skin of your partner.

Always, ALWAYS, make sure that you have the right flogger for the person you are beating. Some people enjoy a softer touch, so you want rabbits fur (or faux rabbits fur for your soft hearted people). If the person is a big pain slut, then you can buy floggers made with ball chain, or with studs in the leather.

If you have the money, having a flogger hand made for you is preferable to a mass produced one. Better yet, if you have the skills, make them yourself. There are plenty of step by step guides out there on how to make any toy you may want to make. I’m sure, with enough searching, you can find out how to make your own dolls.

Also, keep in mind that some people call bull whips floggers, others will not. Some will call any multi fall flogger a Cat o’ Nine Tails, others will look at you crazy for calling anything but a 9 fall flogger that.

And, as always, be safe.

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Wikipedia and BDSM

So, going through one of my forums, I found out that one of the kinksters is also an editor at Wikipedia. Now, as many know by now, Wikipedia is not the BEST source out there for many things. However, generally, I have found it to be on the good side. But, that of course doesn’t mean there aren’t bad editors out there.

In example, going through the talk history of some of the BDSM topics shows that people want them deleted. Why? Because two thirds of the information out there on BDSM is found on websites/blogs/and forums. Now, my words have not been printed anywhere, as far as I know. Which means, even though people have said they like my discussions of BDSM, that I would not be a reliable source. Why? I’m one man. At least, that’s what I say. It’s easy to be whatever you want on the internet.

So, this one guy has taken it upon himself to start removing very informative information. Because people have been giving information from websites. Now, normally, I’d have very little problem with this. However, BDSM is a very, VERY, personal experience. Just because I like using rope, doesn’t mean that it’s the correct thing to use. I have read articles and books that have the same content (how to tie simple knots, how to look for the best flogger), and each has different “starting” material. Why is this? Because everyone started out differently.

BDSM isn’t like baseball, or guns. There is no “correct” way to do anything, besides what you and your partner(s) want to do. In the same vein, there are no incorrect ways to do MOST things. As long as the people consent, there is no great harm or death, who is to say something is right or wrong? Obviously, Wikipedia thinks it can tell when theres good advise on this. Now, I understand that Wikipedia wants to be an encyclopedia, but, BDSM isn’t something that is highly standardized. Hell, the hanky codes aren’t even standard, as each area has their own.

I was considering editing some of the BDSM articles. But, then I thought about it, and decided that it would really be a waste of time. As, well, I can’t really cite any source that isn’t myself, or some website. Well, I can cite a few books, but I get the feeling that the man editing the articles doesn’t care for them.

So, my advice? Learn for yourself, instead of attempting to go through Wikipedia. Or, find someone with some experience that will take you under their wing. Just, please, please, don’t use Wikipedia as your number one source.

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BDSM Play: Humiliation

Humiliation. This is one that many people just don’t understand. Why would anyone want to be humiliated, and then get a sexual charge out of it? Well, I’m not going to get into why people enjoy BEING humiliated, but why people enjoy humiliating others.

Now, to understand why people enjoy humiliating others, you first have to understand a basic part of human instinct. And that is to be top dog. I really don’t care if your male or female, you want to be the best at something. Even if that means the best slave in the pen. No one really wants to be Omega, and even those that say they are happy in middle management have their eyes set on those above them. That’s were humiliation comes to play.

Continue reading

Master/Slave Relationships

This is a play on from yesterdays post about BDSM and Gorean lifestyles. The main question? What is a Master slave Relationship? Now, this is not going to have an easy answer, as most things dealing with either Gor or BDSM don’t have one, but here is MY answer at the very least.

Broken down to it’s most simple terms, and taken straight from Dictionary.com, a Master is
1.a person with the ability or power to use, control, or dispose of something
2.an owner of a slave, animal, etc.
3.an employer of workers or servants.
4.the male head of a household.

Whereas a slave is
1.a person who is the property of and wholly subject to another; a bond servant.
2.a person entirely under the domination of some influence or person: a slave to a drug.
3.a drudge: a housekeeping slave.

So, therefore, a Master can be a Master of many things, but, per the definitions, a Master is a man, also the head of the household.  A slave has no sex, and is is owned by something (even if it’s not a Man.)  Now, yes, there are the Mistress/slave relationships, and the same general ideas fit as well, but that’s not the point.

Many people hear the term Master/slave, and the first thing they think about is the period of slavery that was in America, and how can I turn back to the way of my forefathers.  Well, first, the only family of mine in America at the time were Natives, the rest enslaved the English, and as my slave is of English decent, makes a bit of sense.

The whole point of the M/s relationship is the complete exchange of power from one person to another.  Generally, all things go, but there are “slave contracts” that list what is legit in the relationship (I’ll talk more about those later), and are becoming the norm, but they are not everywhere.  Many feel that there should be no rules, as that goes against the whole M/s ideal.  But that is not the way it normally works in the real world.

Now, what the fuck is the point to this?  Just this, when someone says their in a M/s relationship, it is consensual, generally, when someone someone says they are the slave of another, it means they have chosen to be in that position.  Try to understand what they are, and don’t just label them as freaks.