On BDSM

As the normal search results for this site are on BDSM and Gor, thought I might give a bit on my thoughts on BDSM, as I allready covered Gor in an earlier post. As with most things related to sexuality and kink, this may not be the post for more of you to read. However, for those intrested in the subjects, I’m not going to put much under a cut unless this becomes REALLY large. And it may become the largest post that I’ve written to date.

Now, some may be asking, what is BDSM? There are a few things this acronym stands for, but my favorBDSM Symbolite is a bit longer then most. That’s Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism. There are plenty of people who read those words, and think “oh my god, your into an abusive thing, it’s just not right.” And to those, I say it’s right for me. I am a sadist. I enjoy giving others pain. It’s a safe outlet for that need, and one that my wife enjoys. So, what I’m going to do is go through my thoughts on each subject. I will have other posts that talk about my thoughts on different play types.
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Another kink club closes its doors

Found this while going through BDSM blogs here.  The poster I got it from was House of Void.  Not sure where he got it from (assuming an email list).

“Good evening. This is an update from The Lair/The Cell Block It is with regret the Directors wish to inform the Adult Lifestyle Community that “The Lair” is closed and will not be opened again in THAT location. W/we also wish to inform all of Y/you that this has absolutely nothing to do with BDSM or any of the other activities W/we engage in. It appears that owning items such as “whips, floggers, corset’s, cuffs and a neck enclosure” are considered “adult toys” and as The Lair owned such items, even if they were locked securely in the office. It was deemed by Zoning that we are just as “Adam and Eves and Pricilla’s“. Those items when combined with two or more people are considered “adult entertainment”. It does not matter if those items were O/ours personally, it did not matter if W/we never used them on anyone, Zoning would still consider them “adult toys”. Zoning in North Carolina also states, “adult entertainment cannot be within 500 foot of any establishment that houses children or ANY residential area. Due to this information the Directors regret to say we have no choice but to close The Lair. Additionally even though The Lair will reopen, in a different place, different time, different location, this will take time. The Directors of the Lair will be contacting all sponsors in the near future. If you have question please feel free to contact me personally behind the scenes. The Directors of The Lair/The Cell Block/A Personal Touch, wishes to thank the community for your outstanding support during the grand opening and the opening of the business above. As always you were wonderful. See A/all of you very soon. ~*mysty starr*~”

Happiness/Health index

Ok, so now they’ve come out with an index of your happiness versus your health.

So, who would have thought that those that are constantly sick are not happy?  Not something I would have thought of, no sir.  I thought those that were sick were REALLY happy all the time!

This is just another step in the wrong direction.  Instead of telling us those that are unhappy are struggling, do something about it.  Most people will go through a period of their lives that they struggle in, it’s really a fact of life.  Unless you are REALLY lucky, there will come a time when you can’t make bills, or you just don’t have the money to do as you need.

I find it sad that people had the time to do this.  I also find it sad that 100,000 thousand people are the benchmark for surveys in this country.  Many cities have more people in them then that.  Why not make if half a million, or EVERYONE in the damn country.  Also, how many people are lying?  That’s always a consideration.  As my old Statistics professor said, it is not a science, but a guess.  And that was coming from a man who made hundreds of thousands a year getting statics for major companies in Florida.

Now, I am happy, normally.  However, I have health issues, as do many people in the US.  Doesn’t help that I smoke heavily.  However, that means nothing.  I know plenty of people who have been well off, and happy, but have health issues.

Also, from the article I read, it seems that just because your struggling to make ends meet, your either unhappy or unhealthy, if not both.  So, that means to be happy, I have to have LOTS of money.  Most people that are struggling are doing so because they thought that getting that new car would be a good idea, never mind that Junior needs new braces, and the mortgage is coming due.  Hell, I’ve fucked myself to were I’m normally struggling, but, again, I would rarely say I’m unhappy.

So, my question for you, my faithful reader (and, yes, I mean reader), is this.  Are you unhappy and unhealthy?  Or can you be unhealthy and happy at the same time?

Source: USA Today

Good Poly rules

Found this while searching through blogs on WordPress.  Nice list for people that might want to try the poly way of life.  Reposted with permission from the Sex Geek.

10 Realistic Rules for Good Non-MonogamousRelationships
by Andrea Zanin
(Please note I said good poly. Anyone can do poly badly, but I don’t advise it.)

1. Know yourself. For starters, be brutally honest with yourself and answer the following questions. I’m not kidding about the brutal part. Sugarcoating will not help you here. Also, remember that the answers to these are never final… you change every day and with every experience you have, so it’s worth revisiting these questions over and over throughout your lifetime.

  • What kind of person are you?
  • What are your core values?
  • What are your life priorities?
  • What are your needs within relationships?
  • What are your shortcomings within your relationships?
  • Why have your past relationships ended? Are you able to articulate what part you played in that?
  • How do you deal with conflict and anger?
  • How are your communication skills?
  • What kind of people are you generally attracted to? Are there any predictable patterns in your attractions? Are they positive or problematic?
  • What do you have to offer a partner? What sort of partner, lover, friend are you?
  • What does your life look like? Your schedule, your energy levels, your health, your obligations, your stresses, your joys? What would you like to change?

2. Love yourself. Okay, so this sounds like the greatest cliché known to man, but it’s actually the basic ingredient for good non-monogamy. It’s the macaroni in the mac & cheese. You gotta take care of yourself. If you don’t have this one down, you will simply never be able to fully enjoy healthy love relationships with others. Lots of people try to ignore the basic and all-pervasive importance of self-love, and that’s why many people have messy love relationships. You wanna try that with multiple love relationships? Believe me, you will sink fast.

If the answers from the questions you just asked yourself show some areas that may pose challenges, love yourself enough to take up those challenges before you start exploring elsewhere. Go get therapy, take up a meditation practice, start writing in a journal, get more exercise to boost your mood and self-confidence, or attend to your spiritual life. Not taking care of yourself is not an option.

3. Be happy ALONE. Yes, that’s right. Alone. All alone. No partner. Married or otherwise partnered already? That’s fine, but you still need to have this one down. If you approach your relationships with the idea that they’ll make you happy when you can’t make yourself happy, you will inevitably be disappointed.

Very few relationships actually last a whole lifetime; it’s wonderful if they do, but let’s be realistic. You can’t base your entire concept of love and relationship around an ideal that a small minority of people actually achieve. Not to mention that longevity is not an indicator of happiness – some relationships should last a few months, some a few years, some a few hours. This is not an indication of failure, it’s an indication of reality.

Be happy alone first. Then add one or more partners to enhance, deepen and enjoy that happiness with you. But do not make your happiness dependent on someone else’s presence in your life or your bedroom, let alone two or three people’s presence. That’s not relationship, that’s codependence. It also gets real complicated if your honey has three partners and you don’t – unless you are (ta-daa!) happy alone.

4. Communicate. Honestly. Now comes the time where you take all that brutal honesty with yourself, and translate it into brutal honesty with your partner(s). Good poly happens when things are put on the table. Are you jealous? Say so. Are you scared, worried, angry, upset? Use your words. Are you happy, in love, admiring? Spread the joy! Is there something on your mind that you don’t want to tell your partner? MAJOR warning bell… this is almost a guarantee that you should be telling them!

I absolutely promise that if you keep shit to yourself, you will run into problems. If you have the first three rules down and drop the ball on this one, your poly is still going down the tubes. Buy self-help books. Go to joint therapy. Take an active listening workshop. Read up on jealousy and other issues to see how best to deal with them. Whatever it takes, improve your communication skills. You’ll thank yourself for it!

5. Know what you want. Here’s another list of questions for ya. (Hint: Rules 1 to 4 come in real handy before you get to this one.)

  • What would your ideal polyamorous relationship look like?
  • What joys do you think polyamory will bring to your life?
  • What challenges do you think you will face? Do you think you’re equipped to handle those challenges?
  • Do the benefits you want match up with the kind of room do you have in your world for multiple partners?
  • Do the benefits you want match up with what you have to give in return in terms of time, energy, availability, etc.?
  • What do you think an incoming partner might want from you? How might she or he feel about your situation?
  • If you have an existing partner, do your values, desires and abilities match up well? Are you looking for the same or compatible sorts of polyamory?
  • Are you open to a range of options within the range of polyamorous arrangements, or is your interest very specific? If it’s specific, why? What do you hope to gain from that particular form?

6. Go for content, not form. Once you’ve answered the questions above, you might have a form of poly in mind that you feel would be perfect for you. If so, the next step is to ask yourself what that form means to you… and do a reality check. Two girlfriends = never lonely? Think again. Two couples in a quad = excellent balance? No guarantees. “Middle-aged married couple – he’s heterosexual, she’s bi-curious – seeks hot young bisexual woman with double-D boobs who likes giving head, available every second weekend and the occasional Wednesday night.” Does this sound familiar?

Lots of people have an idealized vision in their minds. We often get caught up in the packaging without remembering that relationship is about what’s inside. You and your honey might spend years seeking out the ideal couple to form the perfect quad, while your best friend and her boyfriend have been working up the nerve to ask you out for months. You might want your wife to have fun with a cute gal for your entertainment, when in fact that guy she met at the BBQ last week would make an amazing addition to your world for years to come, loving her deeply and being a wonderful friend to you… and maybe you should try dating that woman you met at the gym.

Think of polyamory as a state of openness to love in whatever form it comes to you, and then take responsibility for managing that abundance when it arrives… rather than sticking with a particular formula you believe will be ideal. See rule #10 for more.

7. Be nice. Polyamory is not about the technicalities. It’s the spirit, not the letter of the law that counts. Polyamory is not all about you getting laid. In fact it’s not really all about you at all. It’s a philosophy of moving through the world that’s about plurality, generosity and giving, and guess what – it goes way beyond your Friday-night date. Love is not tit for tat; it’s not a pie with only so many pieces to go around; and it’s not there just to beef up your ego. So…

  • Don’t date someone else’s partner behind that person’s back just because it’s not “technically” your problem.
  • Keep an eye out for the people you get involved with to make sure they’re all right, and doing poly for the right reasons, even if that’s not “technically” your call to make.
  • Know your boundaries and respect them; watch out for other people’s boundaries too, even if that’s not “technically” your job.

As a poly person, your responsibility toward right relationship doesn’t end when you have an orgasm or when you drop your date off at the door. So don’t be creepy and go out cruising for what you can get out of love, or to see how much you can get away with. You’re missing the whole bloody point if you go at it that way.

8. Have safer sex. This doesn’t just mean use a condom. It means figure out how to talk about sex with all your partners. It means figure out what acceptable risk looks like for you. HIV is not the only risk out there, and condoms don’t protect against everything. For example: if someone has oral herpes, will you kiss them? Will you let them go down on you? This answer might be different if, say, you see them only three times a year… if you have a compromised immune system… if you are healthy as a horse.

Here are a few questions worth thinking about. Remember, this isn’t just about you. Conceivably, your sexual choices could affect dozens of other people… people you care about. Sex is awesome. Keep it that way.

  • Are you informed about the relative risks of the various things you like to do in bed? If not, do you know where to find the information you need?
  • Are you aware of how and when to use safer sex products like condoms, gloves, finger cots, Saran Wrap, dental dams, silicone toys, etc.? If not, do you know where to find the information you need?
  • How much are you comfortable telling your doctor about your sex life? How will those limits affect his or her ability to provide you with appropriate care?
  • Do you have access to STI testing? If so, how often do you think it’s appropriate for you and your partners to get tested, and for what?
  • How might you deal with an unexpected pregnancy – yours or someone else’s?
  • How do you feel about alternative sexual practices, like fisting or anal sex or BDSM?
  • Do you have limits around blood play, bondage, penetration…?
  • Are your limits different with different people or in different situations?
  • How do you feel about your partner(s)’ limits? Are they compatible with yours?
  • Where are you willing to compromise, and why?
  • What are your needs and limits around your emotional safety in sexual situations?
  • What happens if you find out you have contracted an STI – who do you have to tell and what will you do?

9. Be strong. Make no mistake about it: choosing a polyamorous relationship style is a radical thing. It upsets people – some of those people may include your parents, your friends, your work colleagues, members of your religious or spiritual groups, your kids, and more. Just because we have an alternative philosophy about what makes us feel happy in our relationships doesn’t mean the whole world will be on board with us. That creates pressures on everyone involved.

To handle this, it’s really helpful to have strong friendships, a strong philosophy, an independent streak, a lot of self-confidence, a good sense of boundaries (other people’s, not just your own), some well-articulated knowledge and words with which to defend or explain your choices (answering questions in this list can help with that, as can reading a few good poly books), and a community that includes other poly people.

Here are a few more questions to think about:

  • Can you deal with the social pressures you will face because you’ve made a different choice than the mainstream?
  • How, exactly, will you deal with this? What would your approach be for each of these situations I listed above?
  • What do people need to know? How much are you comfortable telling them about your choices?
  • Is it safe for you to come out to people about your multiple loves? Will this affect your child custody, your career, your community standing?
  • Is it actually unsafe for you to come out to people about your multiple loves? Or are you internalizing social pressures and censoring yourself before even giving your friends and loved ones a chance to show their support and open-mindedness?
  • How will you deal with it if you’re perceived as a cheater, a slut, a greedy person, an immoral person?
  • What will you do if people whom you didn’t want to tell end up finding out?

10. Go with the flow. In other words, don’t go out looking for anything. The best people show up when we’re just going about our business, doing good things in life, being happy, and being generous. It’s not that personals sites or matchmaking are a bad idea… it’s simply that the joy of non-monogamy is in being open to the many things that may come our way, rather than gunning for any one thing in particular. Life is generous if we’re open to receiving it, and it pulls away when we clutch at it…a lot like people.

Old Cartoon Show

As I said yesterday, I would talk about cartoons next. And I will.

Now, I watch cartoons today, and all I see is crap. Yes, some of the cartoons I grew up with are no better (try watching the old GI Joe cartoons), but that doesn’t mean anything. See, those cartoons had a meaning, and a want to be better. Now, the cartoons are all about graphics and shock value.

Look at the Smurfs. Ok, so someone was on some nice drugs when they came up with the idea, but still. What is there that can really match the smurfs? Not really all that much, I think. They where cute, they had a story, and they didn’t just sit there and attempt to be anything more then a cartoon.

Smurfs
I just want to know why more cartoons can’t be more like that. I want to veg out with a cartoon, not get all riled up because of some agenda, or from the sexiness of the characters. Watching Gummi Bears, Yogi Bear, Duck Tales, what is there that really matches those old style cartoons? I want to know what is happening with cartoons, as they just SUCK now. When turning to Cartoon Network, unless I get really lucky, I change the channel.

Yes, old style cartoons may not have the same graphics. They may not have the same plots as the newer ones do. Technology has become much more then it used to be. But, as proven by the popularity of the Scobby Doo movies, there’s still something about the old style cartoons. And I want more of them.

Now, it’s also easy for someone with a sick and twisted mind to look at them, and find some jokes. All of two female Smurfs? There are also people who think Velma was a Lesbo, and I can understand why. But, still, it doesn’t mean a damn thing in the long run. Those are the types of things I want, not the “oh my god, their gay” that comes out now in cartoons (don’t get me wrong, some of my best friends are gay). I just have no want to play with new cartoons. I want the old cartoons shows back, the way they should have been. If I don’t get them, it’s possible I’ll just stop watching TV…..no, won’t happen, Law and Order, House, NCIS, those will keep me coming back.

Gorean – The Philosophies from the Books of Gor

Now, the name of this site is Gorean Refuge. But what does that really mean? And why would I say that it’s a refuge for Goreans when I’m the only one that blogs here? The whole point of this post is to explain why I feel the way I do about something that means alot to me, the philosophies from Dr. John Lang, aka, John Norman’s Books of Gor. Now, to some, this may offend, so please leave now if that is the case.

Cover of Tarnsman of Gor Now, as can be seen from the picture at the left, a mostly nude woman with her hands in shackles, and that is the image that most people have of Gor. They see it as an attack on feminist values (true), and a want to enslave the population (untrue). The books themselves were meant as a way for the Good Doctor to get his ideals out to the masses, as, at the time, he was black listed from publishing do to his views on Natural Selection. What that means is a part of any population is going to be naturally dominant over another part. And, to his thinking, and that of most Goreans, that is the male part of the population.

Now, I’m not going to go into his research, a simple google search can bring up that information. But, instead, I’m going to go into what I think of his writing, and why I base my life on it. Continue reading

Just Jon

What is this?  It’s just Jon Arbuckle from the Garfield comics.
What do I mean?  The person that runs this site has taken all the Garfield comics, and removed the cat from them.  It’s fucking funny as hell.

http://garfieldminusgarfield.tumblr.com/

Go, go read, it’s funny